Monday, February 27, 2012


Food was very easy way back when. Oatmeal for breakfast, Lean Cuisine for lunch, and at 5 pm the daily call of "Hey babe, what's for dinner?" That would result in cold cereal, fast food, pizza, or Chinese. It was a fine situation although at times, embarrassing.

At one point we (T&T) got on a kick of no sauce on our pizza. That lasted a few months and then we decided to have sauce one night. I placed the order and got a call back from the pizza place owner within minutes confirming our order. He had it memorized and wanted to know if we had made a mistake.

Then, a few years ago I quit eating. Not completely of course but really cutting back. It started when Nicole was here and we doing 12 hour shifts at the hospital. She found a company that would deliver food to me at home. She put me on a 1,400 calorie package, a total of 3 meals a day. But I misread the labels and thought each meal was 1,400 calories. So I ate only about one of the meals each day. I got used to being hungry and when you mix that in with very little sleep, trouble at work, and a dying husband it just became part of the package. When Tom died and Nicole left I never really got back on the food bandwagon.

I really do feel sick when I don't eat enough and usually have dry heaves on my runs. But I feel way worse when I am full and when I go over the deep end (see previous post about eating a box of girl scout cookies) I become significantly unhappy physically and emotionally.

So now I am trying real hard to eat my specified 6 small meals a day. I have about one good day a week. A good day is when I actually eat all my food. A normal day is when I get about 3 meals in usually all before 1:30 pm. A bad day is when I eat breakfast, forget about all the other food, feel like crap, work out and then disappoint myself and my coach.

There are lots of reasons a therapist might say I behave like this. Perhaps I am reflecting the emptiness in my heart into my body (how freakin melodramatic is that?). Maybe I still believe that if you don't eat and work out a lot you get thin (man could I catch some crap on that one). Maybe I am lazy and distracted and cannot prioritize what is good for me (unlikely as I sure manage to fit my workouts in). Maybe this the area of challenge God has given me to overcome (Now I am cracking up. I have not succeeded in the last 678,879.03 challenges He has given me - I’m thinking success on this one would be a poor bet). Maybe I can starve myself to death (No way, that would mean giving up my critical glass of wine a night).

So I set my alarm to remind me, have a lovely snack at 10:30 am (1/2 c nonfat yogurt, 1/2 c fruit, 3 graham cracker squares, and 1 soy sausage) and promise to eat again in 2 hours.

And now as I read this I realize how completely all-about-me I am and I am sorry. How lucky I have a limited (and hopefully nonjudgmental) reader base.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

President's Day

Tom and I had our first date on President's Day. Can't recall, maybe 1992 or so? He had me over for dinner in his apartment. I was a nervous wreck and so was he. In retrospect we were so much of what we are. He served me in wine in his grandmother's wine glasses. It was the only time we ever used them. We watched a recorded Paul McCartney Concert on tv. I never watched a concert show again. He loved those glasses and I really dislike concert tv shows.

That night he told me if I was not careful he would have me married with a white picket fence before I could blink. My stomach fluttered. The marriage was delayed for seven years until we became engaged on Valentine's Day in 1999 (my fault). The picket fence never happened (my luck - I would have had to paint it).

It was actually quite a golden time.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Valentine's Day 2012

Hi Tom,
Just so we are clear, today really sucks. I work up at 3 am and did not go back to sleep after dreaming that you were in prison and all you wanted was a giant poster of a big booby woman to put on your ceiling. Oh yes, and double sided tape to hang it up.

Then I went and worked out and was as weak as a limp celery. Then I lost my phone and discovered I left it across town. And then I ate (I swear) an entire box of girl scout cookies and it is only 10:09. I want to vomit and go back to bed.

What I am learning about myself is that I have an amazing capacity for self-pity (see above), destructive behavior (see above), and fitting in a bunch of crap before most people wake up (see above yet again). Oh yes, and I can blame you for almost everything. It is with apologies and love that I wish you Happy V Day and hope to see you soon.


Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Almost 3 years

It has been almost 3 years and things are improving. These are things that are not improving:

  1. I was practicing using a nail gun and accidentally nailed the 2x4 to the hard wood floor. Luckily I had a pry bar and wood putty handy.

  2. I was at a stop light and decided I needed a new hole in my shoes strap to tighten the buckle. Using a handy corkscrew (that says something) I made the hole in the fake leather and right into my finger spurting blood everywhere. Luckily it was a long light.

  3. Nights and weekends remain exceptionally long. They are jam packed (or is it jamb packed?) but still manage to really drag out. Luckily I manage to exhaust myself almost daily so can get to sleep.

  4. My dogs shed like crazy. Luckily I no longer have to set a good example of order or cleanliness for anyone else.

I have such a good life (except for nail guns, bleeding, extra time, and dog hair) but I can't seem to get out from under my cloud (missing my sunshine).

I've heard that time and cheesecake heal all wounds. I'm looking forward to both.