June 22, 2007

Three years ago today I was at CCG working very closely with Rick and Craig. We were spending hours each day in meetings. It was a stressful time and I was pretty caught up in the office day-to-day crisis(es).

A few days earlier Tom had been complaining about having some headaches but mostly just being unable to focus. He said emails that should have taken a few minutes to write were taking 15 to 20 minutes. He could not find the letters on the key pad and when he did he forgot what he was trying to write.

Being a born and bred "lift yourself by the bootstraps" kind of person I determined that Tom was succumbing to the pressures at his work in a completely dramatic and inefficient way. If he would just face the problems head on and power through, things would be all right. (I have since completely rejected this philosophy).

Since he was unwilling to accept my advice I told him he might as well just go to see his doctor and get a second opinion. He did.

He called early afternoon to tell me Dr. Reubin had fit him in, examined him and immediately sent him to a neurologist who had performed a CAT scan and determined he had a golf ball-sized tumor on his brain. Back then we did not know what that meant. Ok, we knew it was it was not good but was it bad like "my arm hurts I better get the bone set" or was it bad like "there is no hope for my arm it needs to be amputated"?

In no way did we know that it meant cancer, chemo, radiation, Avastin injections and death in 570 days. We did not know it meant 18 months and a few days to learn, and fight, and love more than we ever had before.

Tom told me he was getting scheduled with a surgeon next week and going home to pick up some drugs. I went back to my meeting. A while later, through emails Craig found out Tom had a brain growth, kicked me out of the meeting, and sent me home. Then I figured out this might be serious.

We spent the weekend getting a will, power of attorney, medical power of attorney and living will. I got on all Tom's banks and investment accounts and verified his life insurance. Tom started his video diary.

I think about going back in the conference room so calmly, and conversations with doctors who would not say it was cancer, and research, and ICUs and all the times we just sat on the couch all cuddled up and I am so grateful for the 570 days we had.

And I would give my arm to do it all over again.