Marathon for Adoption

Today I ran the Marathon for Adoption in New Braunfels, TX. I am fairly well trained but did not actually realize the run was hilly. They call it rolling hills. As a Houston flatlander it seemed like Everest. The first 13.1 were brutal. The last three really tough. The mid 10 were ok. I was alone 75%.

It was so challenging that at mile 8 or 9 I quit looking at my watch. I had no idea of my pace or how far I had gone. All I wanted to do was stay true to my runs and walks. And I did. Remarkably enough I came in within 10 minutes of my goal time. I only broke down crying out loud (yes really out loud) twice. That may be a personal record.

I cry because it is hard and because I chose to do it and then because it is hard. Mostly I cry because Tom had the ever loving gall to leave me. And because he won't be at the aid stations and the finish line. He won't be at my stupid empty house to welcome me home and we won't have our metal ceremony. He won't hear all my war stories.

And here is the part where I usually quit being self-indulgent and feeling sorry for myself, and proud of my accomplishment and say really nice things about Tom watching me from Heaven etc.

But I'm tired. I ran a hard and good race today. And I am sad. We are moving in on 21 months and honest to God it was yesterday. And he is not at my finish line.

Tomorrow I will get out of bed, and stretch and be productive. Tonight I will be a bit sore all over, head to feet to heart.

Nite babe.

Happy Birthday Tom - October 10

Happy Birthday Tom.

This is from Karina:

Karina S. Descartin-ManacsaOctober 11, 2010 at 4:20am
Subject: RE 10/10
Happy birthday to Tom!

I met him only once, Theresa. I am glad I did.

We have Tom's bookmark in our fridge. :-)

Btw, in Filipino (in my family at least), when a loved one moves on, they now have 2 birthday celebrations. Most often we continue to celebrate both---with eating with family and/or friends just like they were still with us. The first is the birth birthday. The second birthday is the death anniversary--where there's eating party again. I don't know if it's a Catholic thing or Filipino thing. But bottomline is, we continue to celebrate their days as if they are still here. I guess they always will be. :-)

Warmly,
Karina

October 9 Happy Birthday John

Who would have guessed? John Lennon born just one day (and many a year) before Tom.

Man on the Moon

Tonight I watched Man on the Moon which is a movie that makes me so significantly sad I can't believe it. Tom and I watched it way back when and even then I proceeded to view and review REM's video title song over and over. And now I am doing it again. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1hKSYgOGtos)

And I don't know know why. Used to be when I would do stuff like this Tom would hold me in his arms and remind me it was just a movie, or just a little bird that died, or just the way things go.

Once I literally curled up in a ball when the dog I loved at the dog track tripped and tumbled over and over. It never occurred to me they could get hurt. The dog was not hurt but I still cried until we left. When Patrice got kicked off of some rocker elimination show Tom had to calm to down by reminding I was probably the only non-relative in the country balling about it. I never watched the show again.

And last night I helped save a little dog who has now been passed to much more skilled and loving, generous hands than mine. And I am crying thinking about her alone in a cold and noisy kennel. (Her name is Ronnie Mac).

I never knew until 20 months and five days ago that my life had two parts. It had the part I did all alone during the day or away from the house, and the part when I went home and told Tom. And I sort of thought they were equal. And they were not. The part I did alone was 10% and the part with Tom was 90%. And losing the 90% does not in any way make the 10% fill the void. And we can say nice things like Tom is watching and loves Ronnie Mac but he isn't. He is dead. And I am at 10% and the dog fell at the track and Patrice is not famous and Ronnie may be cold.

Birthday 51

Yesterday was my birthday. It was harder than all the holidays since Tom died. Here is why: My birthday is about me and Tom made it triple about me.

Back in 1982 when I had this nutso boyfriend we started celebrating birthday week. When I met Tom we continued. It goes like this. You get seven days of celebrating leading up to your big day. We used to just do it so that starting on Sunday we had fun everyday to the birthday and that was great if your day landed on a Friday or Saturday but if it hit on a Monday you were screwed. So now it is seven days before, during, and after.

Every day of birthday week you get a present. It could be a silly present (e.g., a stuffed animal, a glow in the dark ring), a practical present (e.g., a battery charger, a hoe), a decadent present (e.g., those ice cream balls covered in chocolate, a hard cover book), or maybe a love present (e.g., a pair of earrings, a soft t-shirt).

On the last September 27 in which Tom made me princess for week, my big gift was a hitch attached to my car to carry my bike rack. He made a big sign and covered it in a big bow. Everyday I look at that hitch with love.

Thanks to amazing family, wonderful friends, and an unexpected cool front the birthday went from massively suck to decidedly nice. But I promise that no one will ever give birthday week like Tom did.

Thanks for the love Tom, and the hitch, and the glow in the dark ring.

My Tom "sighting"

Ok before you get your hopes up or think this is going to be some wonderful "Ghost" love reappearance it is not. It is just plain silly but it is true.

I have a lot of trouble sitting still. If I am still -- I am asleep. So that makes watching movies tough. TV I can do from time to time but that is because there are commercials so I can jump up and try and accomplish something during the break.

Tom could sit through an entire movie easily. I would need to "go to the bathroom" or "check a noise" or get a glass of water about every 20 minutes. If it was a good movie Tom would pause and sit and wait. Usually patiently. But sometimes things did not go as planned. I would go the bathroom and realize the towel was not clean so I would get out another one. Then I would think I should do a quick batch of laundry and have to sort through the piles. 15 minutes later Tom would find me cleaning out the closet having forgotten all about the movie.

When Tom died I stopped cable and Netflix and the newspaper. Saving money and all that. Just recently I decided that life was hard enough and if I could not manage $10a month for NetFlix I might as well cash it in anyway. So I got NetFlix and started watching my first movie. For 20 minutes.Then I got up to get a drink and started cleaning the kitchen and decided to make some brownies.

Honest to God in the middle of making brownies I heard Tom say "Hey Babe, I thought we were watching a movie."

It is exactly what he would say. And he said it in that "I'm being patient but would appreciate some consideration" tone of voice. I cracked up. I stopped what I was doing, returned to the show and managed to sit for 30 more minutes before taking another break.

In truth I want Tom to come back and cuddle me at night, or help me make decisions, or lift a piece of furniture, but as it must be -- he visited in a way that gave me a big smile and was very true to our lives.

Thanks Babe.

Tom "sightings"

At the night of Tom's fundraiser a woman came up to me and shared that her dead husband had appeared to her almost two years after he passed. It was very comforting to her. A counselor once told me her grandmother had visited an sat down on the edge of her bed.

My brother Michael had an extended conversation with Tom shortly after he died. And now I received this wonderful story from Jeannie about a Tom sighting her husband Gary experienced.

Dear Theresa,

I hope this note finds you doing well. I wanted to share a little something with you. Gary and I just got back from a vacation to Maui. I have a dear friend who lives there so I went a few days before Gary to have some "girl time." Anyway, Gary had to change planes in Los Angeles and he had a Tom sighting. He said he was waiting for his plane when this guy walked past him and he looked up and was about to say "hey Tom" when he was brought back to reality and knew it couldn't be his friend Tom.

He said it really brought him some special thoughts and memories to see this man that looked just like his friend Tom. We are very intune with this sort of thing since we had our own many moments of Philip sightings after he left this earth.

While Tom may not be here in an earthly form, he remains in our hearts and minds forever. I continue to read your blog and enjoy your thoughts and memories... thank you for continuing to share.

Take care,
Jeanne Hazen

Thank you Jeanne for sharing this story. I look for Tom everywhere. I am so glad he is alive in your memory.

Please send me your Tom sightings & experiences, I would love to hear about them.
Love Theresa