So a while back I decided that I was losing fitness faster than I could gain it so I hired a trainer. This is a guy that I met through Cherita at Bel Inizio. He is very good. But interestingly enough, the more I work out and see results the more wierd I am getting about my body. Or maybe the more insecure I am getting overall.
Before, I could go to the park after work, run in a circle and go home. Nicely invisible. Oh no says Calvin. You have to do agility, and speed work, and stretching.
Yesterday I had to start doing these agility exercises before my speed work (I use the term loosely). So I brought my yoga mat to the track and set in the grass and did my push ups, squats, gorilla jumps, lunges, planks, sit ups, and about five other exercises. And I was dying the entire time. Everyone was staring at me.
Ok, it is certain that if the police came and interviewed everyone at the little track last night they would not be able to pick my face, body, or outfit from a line up ... but I kept thinking everyone was looking at me. Sort of the way I look at the tai chi people.
I don't look worse than others and certainly not better. My mat is gray and my outfit is black. Short of wearing camo I am fairly invisible, but it really shook my confidence just being in the middle of a field sweating and panting all by myself.
But then I started speed work. In my dreams I can do a 2 minute quarter mile. More realistically I can do a 2:10 and it is ugly. I walk a 1/4 and run a 1/4 until I reach 3 miles. The whole time I was running I had to pretend -- honest to God-- I was a skinny black Kenyan guy running for the gold. That is a trick that I must use being a person of a certain age, gender, and skin color. I completed the work out while everyone stared at the white, middle-aged female Kenyan boy. And then had to stretch for 10 minutes. I should have sold tickets.
Ok, again, no one was watching me but I am so freaked out that I was so freaked out. I wonder where the 'I don't give a flip what any one thinks about me' person went. I've never been the 'whatta you lookin at' person (sober) but I have gone so far the opposite direction it is unsettling. Luckily I had music blaring in my ears (white, middle-aged female Kenyan boy music) so I could fake it.
Anyway if you see who I used to be, let me know. I'll sit and watch her like I watch the people doing tai chi.