This beautiful story was written by Theresa Dawn Strong and edited by her husband, my brother Michael. It is long. Perhaps the longest entry in this blog. It may also be the best. Thank you both from the bottom of my heart.
"As we sat in the car just before backing out of their drive way, for the very first time I witnessed my soon to be husband succumb to the emotions that had been building inside since he first learned that one of dearest people in his life had been diagnosed with brain cancer. Michael’s brother-in-law, Tom, was just 51 years old at the time of his diagnosis. Yet, with a tremendous amount of confidence, determination and faith, Tom and his devoted wife Theresa embraced their battle and continued to enjoy their life each day, never missing an opportunity to show gratitude for the gift of each and every moment. It was December 31st, 2008, nearly eighteen months since Tom’s diagnosis. Michael and I were wrapping up an incredible evening, which we had the pleasure of spending with Theresa and Tom. With an ever encouraging spirit about him, Michael offered them his unending support and unconditional love as they traveled down this very difficult road together. However, much to my surprise, after saying our goodbyes and making our way to the car with only the two of us present, and for just this moment, Michael lowered his guard and allowed himself to grieve.
Michael and I had been looking forward to sharing another “first” together. It was such an exciting time for us, being newly in love. This was our first New Year’s Eve. True to form, we decided early on to abandon all tradition by first enjoying a relaxing evening, and then getting to bed at a reasonable hour so we could snuggle and ring in the New Year with an early morning run. So, when we received Theresa’s invitation to come early for a light dinner, a good bottle of wine and even better company, we knew this would be the absolute perfect way to spend our evening together. There was no one we would rather spend our New Year’s with, so we welcomed the opportunity.
Theresa and Tom had become understandably protective of their time. Theresa was increasingly careful not to commit to things that could potentially be a bit more taxing on Tom than he might be able to handle on any given day. Therefore, knowing things could change at the last minute, we anticipated a call from Theresa that day saying we were a “go,” or a “no-go.” About mid-day, the phone rang, and it was Theresa saying we were a “go!” With one stop on the way, just a couple of hours later we were in route to their house, unaware of just how significant this night would eventually prove to be. It was a quarter to six p.m. and there we were in Central Market cruising the aisles for goodies to take with us. Pizza or sushi, pizza or sushi, pizza or sushi….Pizza it was! We threw in some crackers and hummus and we were on our way. Upon arriving at Theresa and Tom’s, we were greeted with friendly smiles, big hugs and, as always, lots of love. We made our way to the kitchen, huddling around the counter where Theresa had already started preparing some of her own yummy snacks. She poured the two of us a glass of wine, while Michael spent a few minutes talking with Tom about his day. After a little chit chat of our own, Theresa popped the pizza in the oven, and we made our way to the living room where Tom was already seated and looking comfortable, relaxed and very content.
Tom, Theresa and I had spent a good amount of time together earlier in the week at his rehabilitation center, so I was eager to see if he was ready for a rematch in one of his newest exercises, finger soccer. This game is designed to build hand strength, motor skills and hand-eye coordination. When I asked Tom about it, he gave me a bit of a peculiar look at first. I could see it hadn’t immediately jogged his memory; however, he shifted his posture and appeared as if he was searching through his mind to recall exactly what it was I was referring to. Seeing how quick to engage Tom was gave me my first indication of how he might be feeling physically. With a smile on his face, he worked through the thought process of remembering what it was I was talking about. Once it came to him, we shared a little laugh together. Based on his response, I thought this day was probably like the end of most days, in that he was a bit tired from various challenges, yet in good spirits. His energy that night seemed focused on being in the moment and sharing this special occasion with the two of us and his lovely bride.
As we nibbled away at the appetizers, we each settled into our own comfy spot and Tom did the same. Michael and I were on the couch next to Tom’s chair. Theresa was across from us on a chair; perhaps it was the ottoman to Tom’s chair. The atmosphere was relaxed, open, warm and intimate. The energy in the room was the type in which everyone feels at home, as if you’ve been granted permission to kick off your shoes, curl your feet under you and snuggle up on the couch with a blanket. So, that’s just what we did. As I looked around the room, I noticed how much Theresa and Tom’s calming and gentle presence was greatly reflected in their home. Their loving connection, spiritual strength and confidence oozed from all corners. Our conversation flowed easily from one topic to the next. Theresa, or sometimes Michael, would reach out occasionally to give Tom a hand, but for the most part, he appeared on top of things and managing as best as one might expect or hope for. He looked especially well on this special occasion. Dressed in his usual comfy sweats and a t-shirt, Tom also wore a smile that I believe reflected his spirit that night. Theresa told us how Tom always loved this much celebrated holiday and never wanted to miss a minute of it. Theresa, on the other hand, did not always share the same level of enthusiasm, or at least she didn’t express it by staying up until midnight; however, every year, she did try to stay up as late as she could just for Tom. Since she was rarely able to hold her sleepy eyes open until stroke of midnight, every year, Tom was sure to wake her up and wish her a Happy New Year. I felt a little pitter patter in my heart as I thought to myself how considerate they were of one another. Even in tiny differences, they found common ground and created a lifetime of memories!
As the first pizza came out, Tom said a blessing over the food and gave thanks for the many things we all had to be grateful for. One thing I learned about Tom in the short time I had with him, was that he was always incredibly thankful. No trace of bitterness. No hesitation or doubt. His prayer of gratitude touched each of us so deeply that it brought tears to our eyes. Here was this man, whom we all loved, battling cancer, and on New Year’s Eve he asks God for nothing, only gives thanks. It was another reminder of why he was called “Big” Tom!
We’d been enjoying one another’s company for at least an hour as we bounced from one story to the next. We talked about everything from running, cycling, swimming traveling and holidays, to new friends and old friends and even ex-roommates who were never friends! As we began eating dinner, we did not miss a beat - not in eating nor in sharing stories. Throughout the evening, Michael and I tried to remain consciously sensitive to how Tom was feeling. While mindful of this, I began to notice something that I found incredibly amazing. I couldn’t help but notice how his body language shifted in response to Theresa. Occasionally Tom would appear to drift away from the conversation, as if it were getting lengthy, or especially when there were multiple people talking at once. Certainly, given the type of cancer Tom was living with, the challenge to remain focused grew harder as time passed. However, there was one particular subject that seemed to bring him back and hold his attention better than any other. That was Theresa. When Theresa spoke, Tom listened very intently. When she moved, his eyes followed her. And as often as Michael spoke of her, Tom’s eyes would light up and his smile would grow even bigger. He hung on every word she said, or that which was spoken about her. He looked at her with such admiration, affection and with great pride. Of course, it was no surprise, but that night it was so evident that Tom dearly loved his beautiful bride with all of his heart. It seemed to me that Tom and Theresa’s souls were completely connected, and the bond they shared so deep that even in this current condition, he was able to connect to her, and her very existence was life to him. This was incredible to witness - nothing less than beautiful, to put it simply.
It grew late, and we felt it was best for us to allow Theresa and Tom to wrap up the evening with some time for each other. Theresa moved forward and offered to help him up. He was reluctant. At first, I wasn’t sure if he didn’t want to get up or if he forgot that Theresa told him it was time to walk us to the door. After a couple of attempts to get Tom going in forward motion, Theresa asked why he was still sitting there. Tom
said, “I don’t want to get up, because I don’t want the night to be over.” His response was as touching as it was humorous. Touching, because it meant so much to us that he valued and enjoyed our time together as much as we had, and humorous, because it sounded like what he might have said on those past New Year’s Eve nights when Theresa was fading fast and Tom was waiting it out to the stroke of midnight. But, as the saying goes, all good things must come to an end. And unfortunately, our time there was ending. We all moved toward the door and said our goodbyes. More big hugs for everyone just before making our way to the car.
At last, there we were in our car, just the two of us, silence echoing between us. I had sensed Michael’s emotions concerning Theresa and Tom rising to the surface on more than one occasion. This however, was the first time I was certain they’d reached his threshold. Finally, unable to contain it any longer, Michael burst into tears as he yielded to those mounting emotions he’d long since carried. From the depths of his being, tears flowed. Tears of pain? No doubt about it. However, I later learned those tears were so much more. They were tears of respect - respect for the way Big Tom and Theresa were being fused together, rather than torn apart by this illness. They were tears of love and tears of envy that honored the living spirit that grew stronger between them, especially in this most challenging stage of their life together. With all the love he had in his heart for the two of them, Michael grieved, he let go and he grieved.
As the universe continued to unfold for each of us over the days and weeks ahead, it became clear that the emotions that emerged that evening were befitting. On December 31st, 2008, the four of us, Theresa, Tom, Michael and I shared our first and their last New Year’s Eve. It was also the last night Theresa and Tom shared in their home together. Special, significant, momentous, of great consequence – words seem to fall short of adequately describing the magnitude of this moment in each of our lives. Simultaneously, the life that Theresa and Tom shared together, at least here on this earth, was coming to a close, while the life that Michael and I were getting ready to embark upon was just beginning. I recognize and honor the evidence of the cycle of life and the wisdom of nature by acknowledging the gift that we were given. Their gift to us - a seed, planted deep within our hearts. It is a seed of gratitude and love. New Year’s Eve 2008 will forever serve as a reminder to us to give thanks in all things, and provide us with an understanding of how pure love really does conquer all. Even in separation by death, their bond, formed by love, is eternal. Exemplified by his actions, and in his final message to us all, therein lies Tom’s legacy; love truly is the greatest gift of all."
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